Nearly Midnight News – June 26


“Hmm hmm. Where was it…”

“Oh! Nearly Midnight News! There I put it! Right under my mechamagical rock this nice gnome made for me…has a strange bit of string on it…I’ll check that out later – anyways!”

“This is the Nearly Midnight News, and I am cutting it close this time! Due to certain legal issues, we cannot claim the title of Anchor until further notice.”

“In breaking news, the Nerian Faction, We The Dead, issues a worldwide recall on all Arasai units! A potentially fatal flaw has surfaced, and all battery packs are found to be defective. In instances of low charge, the arasai have been known to become homicidal and forget their own names. In a press release, Cristanos is said to have cackled maniacally for a good ten minutes before issuing threats regarding fingers and removal. Never one to be outdone, the gnomish faction Clockomanic issued a recall on everything. No one took them seriously.”

“In further news, Norrathwide transportation has broken down due to a small mix up of griffons – it seems one was issued to fill all roles – all traffic came to a halt for hours, backing up the needs of at least three. When questioned, the griffon handlers made note of a lack of pens, and seemed suspicious of Nearly Midnight News personnel. In a rebuttal to no issued argument, the NMN issued a thousand page complaint, which most interested parties are using as bookmarks. The remainder are using the pages for airplanes, origami, and paperweights.”

“In sports tonight, the Antonican Tennis Team was approached by Clockmanic for an update to the sport. Now, instead of points if a player misses a volley, the ball is designed to explode. Any complications are handled by having an Arisai on hand to toss an explosive, to drive the point home. The first match was good fun for all – sadly, the second incorporated the new ball design. The team is looking for those who might be interested in playing tennis.”

“Fanciful Pets and Monster Magazine has reviewed the new ridable pet, now three times larger than the previous “leaper” class mounts. Initial field testing has been interesting, though test subjects are getting hard to find. Anyone interested in earning 500gold a day is advised to contact them magazine for new opportunities”

“In weather today, a vast storm blew up out of nowhere in the middle of the Karan Seas. It never made landfall, and no one was particularly interested in it. Someone suggested naming it – they have been ostracized.”


“The scientific community is in a bit of a flurry today as the secret of Void is discovered! After many failed attempts to figure out exactly what it is, they caught the daughter of one lead scientist tossing ice cream into the mix – void seems to be actually made of ice cream. Clerics do not advise eating void, still, for unknown hazards.”


“We have rumor tonight of things happening – we are not sure what things, or where, but we are ever watchful. We know you dun it, and we will find you and question you to boost our ratings!”


“Due to the amount of pens donated from yesterday’s drive, Norrathian mail has offered to never let us within 500 yards of a mailbox again – this gracious move was delivered in writing by representatives of the Mail. Remember, give your mailman ice cream… *grumble*”


“In a strange power play, Echs has overtaken a square marked by Oh for attention – this shift in power is unlikely to lead to re-establishing relations between the powers.”A source close to the struggle has noted that there was ink and lead everywhere.”

“In happier news, it has been observed that there are many happier people in Norrath once The Society started putting drugs into the water supply. When everyone feels good, our ratings skyrocket – this makes us very pleased. This is Folodu Amrunrosse, your host. Thank you for enjoying – we assume – Nearly Midnight News.”

Author: Jethal