Nearly Midnight News – July 12


“I think…It might be time for the Nearly Cheesenight News.”

Alexandria says, “In overalls again?”

“Overalls are banned by our underwriter.”

Alexandria says, “Okay, I wear them then”

“*hands over the overalls* And remember, only overalls. Welcome again to the Nearly Midnight News! We have some not-so-random crazy lady dressing up in overalls, and later on, she will be stunting. For ratings! We are paying her in anchovies!”

Alexandria says, “Hey! Don’t call me not-so-random XD *mmmm anchovies*”

“Ick. Here – take them.”

Alexandria says, “*nom nom nom* *passes out from a salt coma from the anchovies*”

“In tonight’s news, we have… Umm….Stuff! And Things! Not necessarily in that order!”

“We go first to Mok Rent to find out more about yesterday’s land speculation. City officials in Gorowyn block the purchase of land, stating that it is prime genocide material. We are fairly certain this is not okay with the local aviak populations, though they just won’t say it in the common trade tongue. Stated one Primary, “They don’t talk right, so we gonna kill them and eat them.” The NMN found someone willing to offer rebuttal, but all they did was sqwack.”

Ghazar says, “However that one got to be a Primary is beyond most of Gorowyn.”

“In Mara today, pirates invaded the quiet city, wreaking havoc and overturning at least three potted flowers. They made it all the way to the Inn before a hint of ale derailed their running amok. The Marans ponit this out as being a part of the Divine Plan. They ran up a tab of at least two gold before running out of funds and begging on the dock. We told them this was a waste of time, noting our own funding woes at the NMN. After five minutes, they had enough to buy for the next week. We were envious. Anyone wishing to file a complaint has to get in line behind us.”


“In Maj’Dul today, the sultanate revealed that Anashti Sul has been guiding city politics since her banishment. Asked why, we were given the following, “She owes us money. We are finding ways to get it back. Ever play rugby?” Which leads into our sports news for the evening. The Maj’Dul Rugby team went head to lower ankle with Anashti Sul in a spine-jarring match up. It went badly for them, though she took pity and resurrected them. Again, and again, and again.”


“In other sports news, the Thexian Winetasters bowed out of a competition with the Nerian Electroshockers. The team cited a distinct fear of being profiled. We caught up with the Nerian team to find them attempting to electroshock a set of swine. It was ineffective, though the pigs were of different breeds and started an epic battle to the death. It is advised henceforth that pig breeds be separated by at least two continents and three impassable walls. The Nerian Electroshockers did not survive the experiment, though being Arasai, we expect the Queen will commission new clockworks be built soon. Anyone expecting a new shipment of the small winged toys can expect thirty percent more defects, and 50% more gleeful pins and needles prodding.”


“In Qeynos tonight, the debate on which Marr is more fun to serve got derailed in a public demonstration that continues tonight. Anyone of lustful disposition is recommended to attend. Further news is censored as both lewd, and Anti-Lucnic, based on your major city of origin.”


“The Freeport Militia received word this afternoon of a theft about to take place. Ever gallant, the men rushed to the given address and seized everything. The overzealous we demoted for raiding their own facility, and the irony was lost on them.”


“In weather tonight, acid rain sweeps the Steppes. Everyone is expected to drink from it, and many are probably going to have bad trips. Don’t do drugs.”


“The Center for Bertoxxolous puts out warnings of a new anti virus that causes problems worse than they fix. While pleased, someone else is getting the credit, and the center is very upset. No further comments were issued, though the sounds of a tantrum were heard all afternoon.”


“Followers of Bristlebane and Thule joined forces last night to make the worst Jack-in-the-box ever. Testing subjects are being sought today. To apply, please find the place between kunark and the Underfoot. There might be compensation”

“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News.”

Alexandria says, “*wakes up from the anchovy coma and requests water from anyone and a mint*”

Author: Jethal