Nearly Midnight News – July 17


Veset says, “*pokes randomly in the dark*”


“Ow! That’s my left leg bone, which is connected to my hip bone!”


Veset says, “*pokes randomly in the dark a second time*”


“No! That’s my news! Don’t…those were my list of future winners…I was going to not cheat with those…”


Alexson says, “Did we win…………overalls?”

Veset says, “*gleefully pokes more holes in the paper*”


“NUUUU!!!! *smacks Veset’s hands* No overalls! She has news! And it’s getting close to time! We must get it back!”


Alexson says, “How about a Tutu?”

Veset says, “*evil laughter*”


“There! Alright, Tutus for all! *arranges her swiss pocket news* I think we are ready to get this clockwork on the road.”


Tajar says, “*refuses to wear any tutu*”

Alexson says, “How about a parka?”

Oudelia says, “I’ll wear the tutu..but I’m not wearing it over a leotard!”

Cogitation says, “A parka? In this heat? Are you /insane/?”


“Good evening and welcome to tonight’s Nearly Midnight News! Tonight we are…spotty. *glares at Veset*”

Veset says, “*takes a bow*”


“So bear with me as we cannot afford new paper, and we lost our pen in Antonica during a drinking game.”


Karmac says, “Again?! Folodu I swear…”


“Never bet a Dwarf you can drink them under the table. They have an unfair advantage of starting under the table. New motto.”

Tajar says, “I’m going to buy you one of those tourist pens, that have a string attached to them so you can’t lose them”

Oudelia says, “*runs through the newsroom wearing a tutu and nothing else and hands folalala a new pen*”


“Oh! Pen! *thanks Oudelia* Nice tutu! Did you join a Halasian sports team? More pens? Just don’t mail them…The Norrath Express still has a restraining order…”


Oudelia says, “Well I normally wear a kilt….”


“Stick with the tutu. People will take you more seriously. Oh! Right! News!”


“I would welcome you do day three of the Festival of Unity, except it’s almost time for day four! We have had a riot of a time, including a thrilling game of “Tell Pretty Stories to Tier’Dal to Make Them Cringe”, and Spin Zone, where a tornado is summoned for entertainment! Sadly, the tornado was not such a good idea, and Nettleville will be closed for a few days. A deep, heartfelt Sorry is issued to those living there, but the Crown just cannot fund cleaning with the festival going on. You are asked to Be Strong in the Face of Adversity (TM).”


“In other news, there was an exciting day yesterday during the Dueling Event, wherein we all get together for Love and Unity and Beating Each Others Faces In. We seem to have a winner, besides those who love irony, in Toxulon! Congratulations on being the best at unifying everyone into a bloodied mass! I am sure there was much practice and training, and many hours on the Gnomish Rockmaster 3000, who is our sponsor tonight.


“Rockmaster 3000, for when Dwarves won’t cooperate.”


“Tonight, we have the adventuresome Scavenger Hunt, where we hear one known as Domino is cheating by having Behind The Scenes Input. Even still, the hunt continues, as Fizzlethorpe does not want it to be predictable.”

Toxulon says, “Domino can’t cheat! Blasphemy.”

“Anyone interested in cheering is asked to follow the gatherers around. For those wishing for a real win in this, we refer you to Mara, where young Qho masterminds everything. He has, of course, offered the real credit to none other than Frostfell’s Greatest Adherent and Dictator for Life, whom remains unnamed. Stupid holes in the paper…Era? Tera? Rera? Lera? Nah…too easy. Anyways, good luck to those hunting, and Don’t Ask Qho Or Else!”


“We go elsewhere for our news tonight, and settle in Neriak. Through confessions and vote of her former concubines, it has been announced that Cristanos’ mind really is in the gutter.”

Alexson says, “*rearranges the words on Folodu’s teleprompter, then blames Cogitation*”

“The former servants threaten to tell more if their demands for unionization are not met, and cite Big Secrets and Bedroom Romps threateningly. In this, Cristanos responds, “You thank utter fish gorilla tripe. Guards tickle Freedom!”. We decided staying in the city was a bad idea. And reading teleprompters ever worse. Don’t trust technology. It will win.


“In other news tonight, New Halas reports an outbreak of yellow snow. We can only imagine this is from the Karan continent’s weather being made so pristine for the event that is has sucked the very white from the ice. For those interested, it does not taste like lemonade, and please don’t touch it.”


“In sports tonight, the Yapping Hills Defenders took on the Varsoon Undead Minions. While greatly outmatched, the Defenders did an admirable job in losing gracefully. We wish we knew what sport this was, but C’est la vie.”


“Further east, Freeport took on itself in a struggle to the death as a riot broke out over a chess game. Sources close to the situation say that kA7 – b4 is totally valid, while everyone else says “Shut up and play!” It was like watching drunks fight. But not as funny.”


“In Feerott tonight, Thulians sign a peace treaty with Tunarian Blood Cultists. They both announce that the new merger will offer opportunities for both, and they are excited to work together. Anyone wishing to join needs to stay out of Freeport, as Tunarian blood Cultists are anti-Lucanic.”


Ombline says, “Yeah, but so is water.”


“In Gorowyn today, a pig’s cough was misinterpreted as a Sign from a Prophet. Many are still genuflecting tonight, making for one confused swine. All hail the New Bacon Rule.”


“In weather outside of Antonica and New Halas, patterns continue to shift, plunging many dockside towns under heavy storms. Temperatures around Norrath also continue to plummet, and many relief supplies from the cities are unable to be delivered. It is recommended not to sculpt weather when one is having a festival, or else we get strange things…like that freak windstorm in the studio last week.”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News.”

Author: Jethal