Nearly Midnight News – July 18


“So – let’s see…”

Koehki says, “folo! <3”

“Oh no! She’s here! Get her!”

Tajar says, “*Throws the pen with the neckstring at Folodu*”

Koehki says, “*hides*”

“*blinks and takes the neckpen* Oh…Darn – that’s right. That’s me again…”

Tajar says, “Now you can’t lose it so easily”

“I had one! I swear I did! Karmac can testify! So, yes, news. What have we…*holds up a bear trap* Not news, but comedic possibilities abound.

Slipps says, “needs cheeses fors baits, yis!”

Taelae says, “If we don’t get NWN, I say we hand Fol over to Khimyra”

Slipps says, “fors depantsings?”

“Ack! My pants! Not my pants! I have news! Just not news about bear traps!”


“Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News, No Tutus edition! In fact, I can tell you no bear traps were harmed in the making of this news!”


Tregarde says, “Is it nearly midnight already?”


“It is! And so, we have Nearly Midnight News, sans beartraps, and sans tutus!”

Tajar says, “But with pens!”

“We do have pens! We are sure not to lose these pens. Unless the need to go streaking should arise.”


Jethal says, “Streaking is always a possibility”

Taelae says, “I heard a rumor that Jethal went streaking in Qeynos.”

Jethal says, “Its no rumour.. the Jethal streaks as the Jethal wishes. I’ve streaked everywhere.”


“And with that, time to launch straight into the thing that everyone has heard about and no one has been talking about, the Festival of Unity. Today’s events include Skindancing, where a bunch of necromantic druids get together and put on a ballet with their zombies, a Rat Race, where the pied piper tromps through Qeynos, and the rather … unifying High Jump. Wherein a fae pushes people off of a plank. Fifty yards off the ground. Yes, we are all unified in our hate for fae tonight.”


“So! first up! For the skin dance, a rather late entry is our winner, making a zombie dance an halfling jig for a full minute before it fell apart! Because Necromancers are not welcomed, they were all arrested, and the guards are the winners. Go guards!”


“In our Rat Race, our winner seems to be a Ratonga from the little city of Warren, part of the giant tunnel network under Norrath. This same Tonga also won the dueling competition, and goes by the name Toxulon.”


Toxulon says, “Yays for Warrens!”


“*grins* I would have a prize, but I am informed that if I give away this pen, Bad Things Will Happen. For our last contest, NMN staff went on scene and tried to see what was going on. It – ended badly, and I am glad we push our people off of cliffs often. Learn how to take a fall, that’s our motto…for now.”


“We seem to have a surplus of mottos lately. Anyone in need, please, feel free to pay ridiculous sums of money for one.”


“So! The High Jump, Which Really Should Be Called The Try To Kill You Shove. We have one winner, a guard from Windstalker by the name of Gonterdye. This brave guard was keeping watch when a young boy, who appeared to be Qho, was seen being pushed off the cliff. The guard leapt to his untimely demise, while Qho seemed to have a grip on a griffon. A service memorial will bankrupt the tiny town, so they are mostly not doing more than drinking and shouting. The next guard seized the one to push the beloved Qho, and seemed to shout the following, “But what about all the times he got me killed traipsing around in gods-forsaken lands after his harvests? He didn’t even get sent to his room! And, besides, he grabbed the griffon as he went over! You have nothing on me!” The demented attacker is being held with a three copper bail tonight, provided the copper be able to sing and dance on demand. Anyone who might know Narina, the suspect’s name, is advised to point and laugh, and mention all the clues you just knew over the years that would point to such an incident.”


Jethal says, “pushed? more like thrown.. with a heavy weight attached to his ankles, filled with explosives..”


“Congratulations again to all of our winners! As Toxulon put it, “I ams proud, filthy swamps rat!”.”


“In other events tonight, New Halas requests next year’s Festival host Polar Bear Games. This is the lack of tutu we mentioned earlier. Anyone wishing to sign a petition to include this is instructed to find any organizer, and approach in all ways Polar Bear, and be really friendly. And also, don’t mention NMN or its affiliates to anyone when you do this.”


“In Freeport, the tax on sugar went up three hundred percent. In an official statement, the coalition would like to remind you that “the new lower tax on sugar is great for everyone. Two plus two equals five.” Buy all you need and more today!”


“An interesting article today from Mara – anyone who sees Qho is to assume he is a fugitive from their laws, and demand his return at once. Apparently, the boy “gathered” the town treasury, and has been seen heading towards Antonica. Anyone with information is advised to be cautious, as the boy will probably try to act innocent and get you to do some other “gathering” for him.”


“Terror strikes the heart of Underfoot today as the Thulian-Tunarian Alliance makes war on the old enemies of dwarves who have invaded Kaladim. Some experts suspect this is a direct war on Brell, as the creatures within are also his making. Dwarves are advised to avoid all Koada, Fae, and Iksar until the fighting quiets down, when they can turn their full attention to them.”

“Thurgadin had minor riots today as the last ale, beer, or lager, was drunk. The town expects to be miserable until next season, when the new batch is ready. All other cities have an embargo on selling alcohol to the city, though they are quite happy to buy from them.”


“In weather, two tornados got into a fistfight over which one got to level a small hut in the Steppes. There is gnolls recovering all over after the struggle ended badly, and they turned on the dogmen. How the tornados did this is unclear, though followers of Bristlebane are suspected.”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been another edition of the Nearly Midnight News, sans Tutus.”

Amriel says, “What about overalls?”

“Overalls are still banned by our underwriters”

Toxulon says, “Narinas?!”
Narina says, “So… is anyone going to post bail for me? *tries her best to look innocent*”
Taelae says, “I can post bail for the so called demented attacker”
Narina says, “*smiles at Taelae* Thank you!”
Taelae says, “*goes off to post the bail for Narina*”
Narina says, “*walks out of jail a free halfling, although she suspects that Qho’s mother will NOT be making the mistake of asking her to babysit again, unless she’s that desperate to get rid of him for awhile…*”
Narina says, “See?! I knew that kid was bad!”

Author: Jethal