Nearly Midnight News – July 31


A small tinkered biped steps into the channel, then looks around – it explodes a moment later and Folodu comes out to kick it over* Stupid gnome toy… Well, due to such a small inconvenience some refer to as “Real Life”, the News is either canceled, or not near midnight. *looks at a bit of writing on her wrist* And…seems to be happening earlier.”


“Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News, Not Midnight Edition. We have Real, True stories tonight from such locations like…The bottom of a bottle of fizzlepop…and Ykesha, but not really ykesha. And a story of a shave and a haircut for only two bits, somewhere near Fleas Street or something like. Good barber.


“But first! We report a second incident at the Rusty Grimoire! More health concerns! This time, there is a confirmed report on the Marshmallow Mint-taur pies! We tried to get a comment from the owners and operators, but they gave us these nice pieces of pie. We felt awful for a while, but we got better. Do avoid the Mint-taur-mallow pie, unless it’s free.”


“In other news, Qeynos continues to be bright and shiny – and after a new coat of sparkle, one must now wear tinkered goggles and call themselves Edward. It has become slightly ridiculous, but alas! How it shines! If you catch it just at the right angle…*blinks several times, tilting* Oh gods…I’m blind… Curse you, Qeynos!”


“*shakes her head* In Maj’Dul, the Geko Arena competition went terribly. It seems that geckos just do not fight each other. A kerran was added to the mix, and is now recovering after eating the tail of a poisonous critter. Anyone with a better idea on how to eat poisoned gecko is asked to visit the arena. They promise you will not be a part of the spectacle with the Frisky Orcs.”


“In Mara tonight, Qho has annoyed one adventurer too many and has been sent to his room. In a surprise turn of event, his room has been moved to Nazina, the buried alcoves under the lake north of the city. Asked why, his mother reported that “it was the only way to get him to gather something reasonable, like books.” She is only mildly concerned that he might drown, and suspects not many will notice.”


“In sports tonight, the Nerian teams were forced to adopt the tutu as their uniform after the Halas Undertakers beat the Flibbertygibbets in a game of slacking off. Not to be completely defeated, the Nerians chose the color before it could be demanded. It will be off white, because everyone hates the look of slightly dirty. Authorities of the sporting event apologize for the profusion of Nerian/Halas events, but they are comedic gold. While some are suspicious that this is a bad reason to do something, the teams agree, and casualties go unreported during the events often. This last had three deaths and one broken finger. Why these are not reported is – quite simply – most rules do not disqualify killing your opponent – and many Nerian additions to the rules include your own team as well.”


“In Ykesha, there has been more muck in the swamps of late. Asked why, citizens report that the Jabberwock slain yesterday had a ring helping keep the problem down. The increase means more diseases such as malaria and syphilis”


“In weather tonight, the frost giants brought an early winter to velious. While we are not sure, we are pretty certain no one noticed.”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this is the Nearly Midnight News – sort of edition.”

Author: Jethal