Avengers Grimm


When Rumpelstiltskin destroys the Magic Mirror and escapes to the modern world, the four princesses of “Once Upon a Time”-Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Rapunzel-are sucked through the portal too. Well-trained and endowed with magical powers, the four women must fight Rumpelstiltskin and his army of thralls before he enslaves everyone on Earth. (Source: IMDB)

So, what happens when fans of “Once Upon a Time” (NBC), and “The Avengers” (Marvel) come together to make an exciting, action packed, fantasy about Disney Princesses saving the world? You get this steaming pile of crap, that I can’t believe I actually sat through.

First off, this honestly looks like something that happens when porn stars try to make an actual movie (no offence to “Pirates“, that one was actually pretty awesome). I was honestly surprised to learn that this wasn’t the case. The acting was.. mediocre at best.. Hell, Lou Ferrigno was the best actor in the story, that’s telling you something.

Make up was just horrible. Hey, the girls looked like Disney Hookers.. beauty make up, success, but when you talk about creature or character make up.. big fails. “Iron John” (Lou Ferrigno) was supposed to be changed into an Iron Golem.. they air brushed him in silver.. and not very well. The “Thralls” where supposed to have a blackness around their eyes, with veiny bits.. didn’t look believable at all.

MMA Fighter Kimo Leopoldo plays “The Wolf” (Big Bad?).. mainly just a muscled stooge for Rumplestiltskin.

Casper Van Dien as Rumplestiltskin. They could at least went for the scaley, evil Rumple from Once Upon a Time, but no.. it’s just handsome Casper Van Dien.. just being a douchebag to a half dozen “Princesses”.. now, let’s talk Princesses..

  1. Snow White.
    • Princess Power: Cryokinesis. Her weapons of choice: Icicle stakes, and making evil doers slip, fall down and go boomboom.
    • She is the Queen of her fantasy world, her husband killed by Rumple. Mainly just a bitch. Not likable at all.
  2. Rapunzel.
    • Princess Power: Long Hair (yeah..). She has an iron ball at the end of her 15ft ponytail that she uses like that Japanese girl in “Kill Bill”.
  3. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)
    • Princess Power: She makes people go to sleep. Wow, how imaginative.
  4. Cinderella:
    • Princess Power: …the ability to heal people? I don’t remember, she was pretty useless.
  5. Red Riding Hood
    • Not, technically, a Princess. Archer.
    • Avenging the death of her family is her only goal.. self centered, screw the whole world as long as my family is avenged, bitch.

The story is absurd, placing the scene in modern NYC, probably because it’s cheaper than actually building sets for a fantasy world.

The only reason I give this one an extra 1/2 star is because I made it through without tearing my eyeballs out. Please, save yourself the torment and watch something less stupid.. like Big Foot Hunters.

Author: Jethal