Nearly Midnight News – June 29


“Welcome to tonight’s Nearly Midnight News! We have a special tonight from around the Bars! Yes, you heard me right! Today there was a prison riot in the Scale Yards of Freeport! It spilled out onto the streets and, in a surprise to everyone, onto the bell system, carrying the brawling to Qeynos! Eventually, the guards in both cities got it under control, but not before one stubbed his toe on a pebble. there was mild cursing and kvetching. Oddly enough, no damage was done to anything. An investigation is underway, though results might prove inconclusive.”


“Also in the City of Freeport today, a poll was taken of local Prominent Citizens on what should be the Overlord’s new title in this strange time of peace: Donkey, or Mule. Anyone responding was thanked kindly, and then pushed into the pit as terrorists.”


“In music today, Dwarven rock band Pickaxe and Gnomish metal band Brellica have decided to team up and put on a performance, codenamed Brells Brass Balls – the only instrument to be used will be cymbals. The irony is very intentional, said one band member. Concert-goers are advised to not bring ears.”


“In Qeynos today, many citizens were at first concerned about the arrival of a new level of bureaucracy – the Smallclothes Inspection Brigade. This lasted only a moment before all consented to a search. Asked why, the Brigade cited indecency on the rise and barbarians in kilts, both of which might unnerve the citizens. Antonia is said to be the only one except from the search and potential seizure of illicit undergarments. In a comment, the Crown issued the following statement, “Get out of my office.””


“Amid a surprise visit by the NMN, the Rusty Grimoire was raided by an agent dressed as a Respectable Persons. The NMN agent asked many about the marshmallow pies, which are said to be delicious. It was found earlier that day that the pies are made out of minotaur. Asked about the pie, one patron said, “oh, this had thoughts….tasty, tasty thoughts….”. When offered a piece of the potentially once-sentient pie, the NMN agent accepted gratefully. We can only officially report that it is tastier than pens by a lot. When the organizer, Leruc, was asked to comment, he blinked at the NMN agent and hugged her. The premises was then vacated hastily by said agent.”


“In sports news today, the Antonican Tennis Team has joined forced with the Norrathian Rugby Team Association in the wearing of the new uniforms, pink tutus. When asked why, the tennis team handed over a small ball that our reporter was not so aware was recently converted to an explosive. After tossing the ball around, clerics were quite necessary. Note to all Norrathians, do NOT trust the tennis teams in your area!”


“In other news, author Xsii is said to be working on volume five million of “Bree”. We fully expect arthritis at any moment, and have gone so far as to place bets. For those unfamiliar with the “Bree” series, it is a cute love story about cheese and berries. For those familiar with it, it is the far more touching tale of a young lad and his forbidden love – it is a heart-wrenching tale of betrayal and ennui.”


“No – this can’t be right. This says it’s a tale of love not permitted by culture! Nothing about cheese or fights to the death! For those interested in the book, tap your heels three times and spin in a circle counter clockwise – we are sure this will get no results but chuckles.”


“In weather today, nothing spectacular happened. There was something about a double lunar eclipse, and typhoons hitting the same town three times running…boring old dry stuff. No one ever pays attention to the weather anyways.”


“And with that, the Nearly Midnight News and your host, Folodu Amrunrosse – that’s me – bids you good night!”

Author: Jethal