Nearly Midnight News – July 1


Folodu says, “Shall I give it five and make it the Actual Midnight News?”
Venduina says, “It’s not midnight, you liar!”
Folodu says, “Of course it isn’t! But in my time zone it almost is”
Arquenniel says, “It is nearly midnight here”
Calliopy says, “Mine too ”
Venduina says, “The only time zone that matters is mine. *nod* And mine says you’re a liar liar pants on fire!”
Folodu says, “Oh my! *runs around* Fire! Fire! The NMN studio is on fire! Help! AAARRGGhhhhh! *stops, drops, and flails*”

Venduina says, “*holds her unlit match, looking confused* “Don’t look at me, I didn’t get a chance to set anything on fire yet.”
Folodu says, “*blinks and looks around, blushing* “This was…a test. Yes! a test! you all fail! Except that one, who had the match ready to go.”
Folodu says, “*gets behind the desk made of anchors and shuffles some papers*”
Folodu says, “Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News! Just before midnight, so cutting it very close!”
Folodu says, “*tosses the papers into the air* Well, there is time. News over!”
Arquenniel says, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO /pouts”
Arquenniel says, “/writes orders and sends Knights to make sure we get NMN!”
Calliopy says, “but…but…i made popcorn!!”
Folodu says, “*sighs and grabs a piece of fluttering paper* Very well.”
Calliopy says, “*gulp* you better hurry, she looks serious :)”
Khimyra says, “Here I was going to offer up free drinks in my tavern for this…”
Arquenniel says, “/musters the ranks…”

“In tonight’s news…*reads* Three gnomes were found dead! The forty emaciated companions about them were chanting some dialect of gnomish, that is roughly translated as “Hunger strike! Hunger strike!” We began this not very certain why – so we sent NMN staff on location to putter about. The staff has yet to return – a memorial service will be held yesterday at three.”

“While that was happening, further news agents were sent to investigate their grievances with the regent of Gnomeland Security. The following statements have been issued: “What do you mean, the focaltrotter is gone?”, “What do you mean, strike? We don’t strike! We foul!” Afterwards, we backed away slowly and decided that there was nothing going on.”


“In further news, the Archbishop of Qeynosian Affairs has decided that it is just too much work keeping track of who beds who. The following edict has been issued: “Henceforth, there shall be no more beds in the Queendom – all sleeping surfaces shall be bedrolls or hammocks. Asked to comment, the local inns cheered at the prospect of fitting more under their roofs. First hammocks are being hung tonight, and tomorrow shall see new profits.”


“A new liquor law is being passed around Halas – anyone caught without liquor shall be banned from the city until this is rectified. At least, that is what the burly guy in the guard sounded like he said. Since then, NMN has taken to carrying around empty bottles and begging for a refill with any whom will stop long enough to sneeze.”


“In sports today, the Maj’Dulian Triathlon team has officially given up on trying to ride giant guinea pigs. Asked why, they responded with “they caiman just keep eating em”. Anyone willing to solve the caiman problem are instructed to not carry clocks, hooked hands, or giant hats.”


“In a new study, it has been revealed the the grass really -is- greener on the other side. Leading researchers point out that all grass grows on the ground, and so the grass in in fact greener in the sky. No proof has been shown, yet, and others in the field suspect gnomes are afoot.”


“In a surprise move, the Knights of Freeport, the Just Arm of Lucan, Who Has Never Ever Bullied Us Or Anything, issues a new order seeking the arrest of NMN staff if any report is missed. The NMN responded with “nanny nanny boo boo”. The maturity level has of course reached staggering heights among the illustrious news organization.”


In literature today, the use of puns has been declined. Asked why, writers cite misuse and abuse, as well as bad allusion. There have also been vague reports of an overdraft on the commodity.”


“In weather today, a cold front swept over the Commonlands, freezing many to the plain. A few swine raised there were also airborne for a brief time. We suspect something is up. Across Kunark, weather was balmy and “nice”, if you are scaled, and downright unbearable for anyone not. Iksar made several jokes, most of which were off color. Antonica experienced no weather today, and are expected not to until it rains next, which might be in five minutes.”


“NMN anchor Folodu Amrunrosse, an imposter, some say, has been cited with littering after giving something rather poisonous to a Froglok. The ticket states “failure to clean up after herself in a timely manner”. Qeynos is not very kind – and NMN will gladly accept donations to help pay the fee.”


“This is your host, mentioned above about tickets, with the Nearly Midnight News. Thank you for not making fun of us in the field.”

Author: Jethal