Nearly Midnight News – July 2


Draekimblebee says “*frees her hand and begins to cast thornskin on herself*”
Goblet says “*gets stuck by a few thorns with a cry and runs off with a small sack of cookies*”
Draekimblebee says “*stands up brushes off her clothes and fixes her ponytail* HMPH!”
Folodu says, “*watches, assembling a pile of paper with nothing written on them* Well that was special…”
Arquenniel says “/musters the Knights…”
Folod usays, “Eep!”
Karmac says, “mustards the knights? o-o ”
Folodu says, “Someone post bail! They’re on to me!”

Goblet says “Uh oh, The Knights are mustering! *grabs her spray paint and runs to Freeport*”
Karmac says “the knights are mustarding?”
Karmac says “are they hungry or something?”

“Welcometotonight’sNearlyMidnightNews! *seems almost panicked* *calms self visibly, taking a drink of brandy*”

“Welcome to tonight’s edition of Nearly Midnight News. I am your host, Folodu. Our sponsors this evening are Iksar Nasal Spray: good for the sinus. As in with all sponsors, we thoroughly test the product before placing an ad, and let me tell you. The way this pure cayenne pepper powder helps you breath is FANTASTIC. Please make sure you use often and with care – not for use in adults over the age of 18.”


“In tonight’s news, we go go Qeynos and see how the first night of the Hammock Laws went. What we walked in on was devastation and chaos. It seems most buildings are not capable of supporting the pressure of so many hammocks pulling the walls in. Casualties are high tonight as work crews clear the rubble. One noted reporter was heard to have said the following, “Oh, oh my gods! the humanity!” We figure this was an insult to all elven cultures, and will now shun the city for the remainder of the newscast. We did not know anyone in the city anyways, so we figure this works out to having less travel expense, which is mostly scrounged from the break room couch.”


“In etymology tonight, the pun has been cleared to function again as normal, but the use of simile comes into heavy question as people compare things, like apples and oranges.”

“Asked why, leading Etymologist Brian Formsplitter gave the divisive opinion of “they are just too darned inconvenient to monitor! Strip ’em all! That’ll teach em!” We took note, and stole three pens. Also, one pair of pants. We think we know who wants these.”

“The Nearly Midnight News almost got stuck in New Halas tonight after a bad boating accident, which claimed the lives of an entire crew. We found the captain later in a tavern, drunker than a Coldain boxing match. When asked what happened, the captain went on for two hours about some albino large sea mammal. The NMN investigated this claim, and found the man to be a drunk. Always smell your captain before casting off!”


“Elsewhere, in sports, the Timourous Deep Freestyle Walking team experienced tragedy after one of the more adventurous members said “Hey! Watch this!” and jumped a hundred yards into the central pool. The walker is in serious condition, but is expected to be back on his feet tomorrow.”


“In religion tonight, Thulians declare their plans for the upcoming Nights of the Dead to be dreadful! Asked to comment further, they offered to show us by way of a convenient black bag. the NMN declined, and decided there were “better things to do.”


“And on events, the Festival of Unity approaches! Get your unifying city colors together and knock back a drink or three with someone you might try to kill later! good fun is expected to be had by all, until the later arrives. The NMN will direct you to your nearest bookie – all bets will be held by the news until such time as we decide to be generous.”

“Are the knights finally gone? *looks about* Whew! And that is the Nearly Midnight News! I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and please hide us when they come around!”

Author: Jethal