Nearly Midnight News – July 3


“Welcome to tonight’s Nearly Midnight News! Our sponsor tonight provided a cookie! So, in all kindness, we are giving what they paid for! Full Frontal Nudity! I found this troll about five minutes ago… *a troll walks in buck naked and cackling* Yes, we must thank said cookiegiver for their kind donation. I am sure they would like to push a product, but now will never associate with the NMN again!”


“In tonight’s news, we have the very Illustrious Witches Union stepping forth with a complaint. They say, and I quote, “It’s not fair, to call them sandwiches! Gives all a bad name! Grelda over there with the nose is actually a Hedgewitch, and deals not at all with sand! You must change the name!” When prompted further, there was general confusion and angst over who next would get public attention. In the end, they all turned each other into toads.”


“In other news, the cleanup of Qeynos has gone swimmingly after the ill-chosen use of hammocks in place of all beds. It is recommended to test all walls by pushing really hard on them with a golem for stability. In a brief interview, the Crown had this to say, “OFF WITH HER HEAD!” We were not very thrilled.”


“Afterwards, we met a cat, and decided someone had slipped us something at the last bar we were at. We decided to ride it out with a nice man with a lovely tea set.”


“Interesting news from New Halas tonight! All guard dogs are to be replaced by guard cats! In a statement, the local in charge said “there was less sniffing of butts, and cats are far more independent.” Research is underway to test this claim, as the NMN is fairly certain cats do not like to guard anything not related to food or sunbeams. In a related article, there has been a severe increase in the amount of people tripping over cats. Everyone is advised to watch their step, but not in a threatening way.”


“In Freeport tonight, riots thought about starting, but then the mention of fines and jail came up. A crowd of fifty quickly dispersed in random directions at a fast walk. The NMN was able to track one man down, who pleaded we not say anything. His reasons were simple, “We jus’ like ta break things, ya ken?” He is suspected of being in the Hooligan’s Guild, a notorious group known for petty theft and vandalism. Rewards for any information are negligible.”


“In sports tonight, the Rugby Association of Norrath has decided the tutu too aggressive a uniform. Now, all teams will be issued overlarge pink smocks with matching mittens and headbands. This is hoped to end the violent rampages plaguing other sports.”


“In a brief interlude, the NMN turns your attention back to the naked troll. Please stare in wonder at his or her elegant muscles, the fine line of pectorals and thighs. And then find better sponsors, or the troll will be a common theme.”


“There has been a smattering of weather today, culminating into a personal raincloud over anyone who is feeling moody of down. It is advised to keep your distance, and even shun these people, lest it wears off onto you.”


“It is a severe enough condition that even those who are always bright and happy are instantly affected, and turn dower and bitter. There is no saving them. Let them go. It is for the best…so we are told.”


“The NMN staff encountered a surprising interest in the Sands of Ro last night, and a group of rough, rowdy adventurers rabble roused their way through several dangerous places, including taking on a giant crocodile and several others.”

Anyone noticing this group gathering again should show caution, as these adventurers were snarling and foaming at the mouth. We suspect dehydration, but we were among them. Clerics cleared us right up.”

“Thank you for joining us for another night of the Nearly Midnight News! I am your host Folodu Amrunrosse, and this is a naked troll!”

Author: Jethal