Nearly Midnight News – July 5


“News update! On Tonight’s Nearly Midnight News! Gnomish Inventions – great ideas, or deathtraps to kill us all?”
“An exhaustive and thorough opinion of paranoia!”
“Also, Bacon: Myth or Reality. More happening…tomorrow!”
“Alright alright, how about now…”
“*looks around for musterded Knights*”
Goldenn says “*wonders if they have to catsup?*”
Arquenniel says “/gives orders to ready the canons and spear canons…”

“All clear! Welcome to tonight’s Nearly Midnight News! We have several big stories tonight, including Forks! The next utensil of popular opinion! But first, we must take a moment to remember those of us not here – those who are now pantless. Khimyra. She collected on pair she shouldn’t have, and is recovering. Everyone please donate a pair from your closet to the NMN. We promise I am totally not trying to get a competing collection.”

“In lighter news today, the gnomes of the wastelands of Ykesha have contracted a more virulent form of malaria. When asked about their new discovery, they excitedly told us, “Git back ye gurt fool! It’s ‘n’th’air now, ye ken!” We promptly had to know more, and get right in the middle of things – our insurance has now cut us from their services. If anyone would like to donate a cleric, we would greatly appreciate it.”

“During our trip within the Moors, we discovered our pen was stolen – while better than eaten by goblins, We Are Not Pleased. The return of it, or the donation of a news one would be appreciated. But NOT by the mail system – the NMN is still under ban of use related to donation scams – said one investigator, “They are idiots – why does anyone listen to them?” He had no pen.”

“A recent incident with the dirge-singers union and the undertakers consortium has halted all crying and bawling at funerals today. Until this matter is laid to rest, there is a ban on grief. When questions regarding the incident were bandied about, both sides looked dour and a few bright metal flashes were seen. NMN staff vacated the premises hastily.”

“In a surprise today, the Fancy was closed for “remodeling”, which the NMN believes is code for “hiring new models”. While the old staff was quite well appreciated, we eagerly await the new arrivals. In a replacement venue, the Crown was open, and what a swinging night it was! Pole dancing on the counters, drunken brawls, and angry words are just some of the things we are making up! The NMN staff procured an applejuice and eagerly watched it all – at least until applejuice ran out. At such a point, there was much Grief and Angst until a dirge-singer representative showed up and put a stop to all that. After being escorted off the premises for some “getting physical”, NMN staffer Folodu was seen to be disposing of evidence in the Bay. There were no witnesses.”

“In a strange turn of events, the group that Does Not Exist, the Morag Tong, continues to recruit, though no one knows it. When asking no one about the old members, we were quietly pointed to the spot at the bay we had just vacated. There were hasty “goodbyes” and “have a nice day” all around.”

“The Nearly Midnight News must send a thank you out to someone – tomorrow, we are to receive a desk made of pure Acorn word. There was some mention of “nuts” and knowing looks at the prestigious news station. If the giver of such a fine desk would like to claim their due thanks for such a donation, we will happily report something, most likely made up, er…. researched intensively for them.”

“In sports tonight, the Nerian Longshots went toe to toe with the Kunark Crushers in a thrilling game of jacks. The Nerians, of course, claimed the giants cheated. No special issue sports equipment was issued for the game. The woeful Tier were later visited by the dirge-singer, and informed their attitude must change immediately by contractual agreement. Always honor-bound, the team saw to it immediately.”

“The Karan Swim team was to race the Halasian synchronized swimming team today, but due to yesterday’s case of hypothermia, the match was cancelled. No spectators will be issued refunds for the special stadium built for the event. Asked to respond, the owners of the venue were noted to not care very much, and mumbled something about taxes and loans. After an attempt to shake down the NMN, the venue vanished. Djinn are suspected.”

“In weather today, storms batter the Loping Plains after a long drought, causing flash flooding and landslides. No one is reported injured at this time, though many are missing. One recent arrival to the city said something beginning with “Mist-” before the others around him silenced the man. Our curiosity was not piqued, and we left.”

“In the Thundering Steppes, there was, of course, lightning. No one was surprised, and this is not really an incident worthy of mention.”

“This is Folodu Amrunrosse with the Nearly Midnight News – thank you, and stay happy. You are contractually bound to.”

Author: Jethal