Nearly Midnight News – July 8


“Look! Up there! It’s a bird! It’s a gnome! It’s breaking news! Because it is certainly coming -here- at very high velocity!”

“Welcome to the Nearly…nearly…umm…Thingy!”

“Near thingy!”

Arquenniel says, “Nearly Midnight News!!!!!!!!”

“Whassat? “Never heard of it before in my life.”


“On tonight’s edition of Nearly Midnight News, we go ALL over! Except that dark place in the savannah. that’s the elephant graveyard, and we must never go to that dreadful place! There are things – and hyenas. They sound familiar… Like they might have been from somewhere… But here! We have news! Good news!”


“In a recent discovery, it has been found that pie cures nearly all ailments. Cake decorators contest this, and lift their rolling pins high. Void, the makers of ice cream, wants to test this claim with their product. While the request seems suspicious, we are sure there is a fae or something out there willing to try. Anyone willing to make fifty gold is asked to sign up at their nearest Lucanic Clinic for both their civic duty and for Science!”

“In other news, someone kindly posted bail for us to get us out of the custody of our new friends in the third Cavalry. We are not sure who this anonymous donor was, but we do not suspect our network sponsors. Additionally, we now get to enjoy our new Acorn Anchor desk! We are quite pleased, though we have lost our pen in a seam we did not see. Anyone wishing to do— our sponsors are telling us the pen thing will be rectified and not to worry.”


“In a surprise move today, Lucan voted himself Best Overlord in Norrath! Unbeknownst to everyone else, there was no such previous award, though we are sure the afterparty will be fantastic. Not to be outdone, Queen Bayle has decided to crown herself Beauty Queen. In her daring new outfit, she decided to show ankle! There will be murmurs throughout Qeynos for at least a social season, until some third son gets himself killed in a duel.”


“In other news, the Shippers Union has decided to bow to their new overlords with the Everfrost Ice Skaters Coalition and shipments are expected to continue across norrath.If anyone had a late package recently they advise getting over it.”

“In sports today, the Gorowyn Finger Wrestling team ousted giant Windstalker for their first championship ever. Elated, the team spoke excitedly for several minutes and decided they were the superior race. In a brief riot afterwards, the Windstalker team took several injuries. This is not being viewed as a hate crime, as they are inferior. The team looks to challenge this by talking to someone in a different venue, such as Neriak.”

“Nerian Queen Cristanos lost the remote control to her little arasai today, which brought business to a halt. Asked to comment, the locals had this to report, “happens all the time. She decided whoever is standing closest when it’s found is the culprit, and she feeds them to her pet goat.” We are skeptical about the goat, but one can never be too careful.”


“There are rumors of a casino opening in Qeynos late this month, though with tax law and how tight-laced the officials seem to be, we are not entirely sure how they managed the linscence. We presume there will not be liquor served, and anyone over the height of an average dwarf will be escorted out. Thus far, these are only rumors, and have seen no evidence to the contrary. You can be sure that we will Have Nothing To Do With The Bookie On Staff.”


“The trolls of the Feerott banded together today and handed a manifesto over to the invading Thulians. In short, it requests their lands back. The Thulians were not impressed.”


“In a new statement from the Academy in Freeport, Necromantic Arts division, quote, “Dead girls are easy.” We decided to ask further questions, and it turns out all dead are fairly simple to reanimate, though they prefer certain kind. After a few meaningful looks, the NMN staff opted on asking questions Somewhere Else.”


“In weather tonight, the wind blows high, and the wind blows low. Donald, where are your trousers? We suspect a halasian fed us a bad weather report of the north for that one.”


“In other news, apples, even one a day, will not keep the doctor away if you choke on them. Eat carefully.”


“In stocks, feyberries have risen three bushels, beating out jumjum for the preferred fruit berry. Anyone wishing to help either number can go to the Enchanted lands and pick a bushel. Grain shortages in Maj’Dul surprised no one today. This is still newsworthy, though we are still investigating.”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this is the Nearly Midnight News.”

Author: Jethal