Nearly Midnight News – July 10


“*pokes about* Will anyone notice if I…”

Obatala says, “Strip and dance?”

Drakkarious says, “I’ve alerted the Qeynos Guards.”

Obatala says, “You heard her folks! Tickets on sale now!”

Obatala says, “Hurry before the guards arrive!”

“Greetings and welcome to the Nearly Midnight News. Due to a lost wager, tonight we will be broadcasting in front of a live!”
“On a dancepole!”
“With galoshes!”

Oudelia says, “In a gazebo?”

“*watches the hamster on a pole in a gazebo* That is kind of disturbing… I – it’s putting on a sombrero… And doing a hat dance combined with a salsa dance and the tango. This hamster is very improbable. Anyways! News!”


“In our top story tonight, we go all the way to Neriak *mutters* the station is trying to get me killed, I just know it *mutter* to receive the news from the hand of the Voice of the page who wrote down this bit! Neriak makes the bold claim that it’s Wyrven and Wurm campaign has been a success! Despite the many dragonkind killed, Neriak releases official documentation that they were all hoaxes. “There is no such thing as Wyrvens or Wurms!” the page boldly wrote. We went to ask any adventurer their views on this startling news. So far, there seems to be confusion, and many displays of drake-like body parts. We shall be investigating this further, but every seems completely astounded that Neriak would say anything at all. In the view of one adventurer, “It’s all a bunch of hogwash. You actually listen to that after the bit about clockwork arasai?” We were highly miffed, and said Good Day, Sir!”


“Elsewhere around Norrath, the curious Gigglegibbers reveal that they have been evading taxes all this time. Much to no one’s surprise, they gave very precise figures on just how much the foreign exchequer has not paid. The number was staggeringly unable to be counted by the never-inept goblin tribe. The request all adventurers to continue staying away from the vault, even though it is very secure.”


“In Skyshrine tonight, a tiny speck was spotted flying among the clouds. Investigation proves nothing conclusive, but a highly paranoid gnome suggests a UFO – or possibly detritus. Never quite certain, the gnome opted on blowing something up, which we are pleased to report is not the pen we dislodged from our desk late last eve.”


“In another shocking article, it seems the casino rumored to be opening in Qeynos late this month had a bowling lane installed, and Human Darts. This exciting new sport is said to be favored among the Koada. Additional rumors suggest there is a free bar on opening night, though no one has been available for questioning to check the veracity. We did manage to swipe three bottles of rum, however. For those interested, meet at the big Claymore and ask the halfling with three toes where the Giant Sleeps. He knows what you mean.”


“In completely unrelated news, anyone known to be able to fly is advised to stay land-borne, as a plague of locusts is predicted to cover the land late tomorrow night. This does not rate as official weather, though it is expected to cause shade and block out the stars for a time. Anyone unable to see is advised not to open their mouth. Unless they like that sort of thing.”


“In sports tonight, the ever-picked-on New Halas teams continue to fail in everything they do, though all sports have adopted the tutu officially now. Today, they lost the arm wrestling with the Fae of Kelethin, and the Balloon tying against the Ogres of Freeport. If this streak continues, a city-wide liquor ban will be established until morale improves.”


“The Loping Plains Hairballs took on the the much renowned Thundermist Farmboys in a heated game of Catch The Selkie. So far, no winner has been determined, and authorities are starting to suspect a point system needs instituted.”


“The Nerian Chess team lost to the Gorowyn Beats wrestling team today. It was kind of funny, and we wish we had the ability to show you. One lout reportedly chuckled a checkmate as the final blow was delivered.”


In weather, the Commonlands remain impassable as someone lost their glasses and told everyone not to move. Heat stroke set in several hours later, and then it rained. Alternate routes have been cancelled for glee.”


“In crime tonight, a random stabbing spree broke out in Longshadow alley. The Arasai Inquisitors pointed fingers at all the Thexians, including one of the changed fae that seemed to have a bloody dagger. There was much chuckling, followed by the sounds of shrieks, we assume of joy and pleasure. The Arasai did not look as friendly as they seemed, and we bowed out of a demonstration.”


“In the Sands under Maj’Dul, a fistfight broke out between two orcs. Both are in custody for disturbing the peace, though we are not entirely certain where.”


“The Antonican Footrace Fetish club broke into a fit of giggles when one runner decided to jog, rather than the more acceptable sprint. Ostracism is expected. Asked what was up with that, they broke into another fit and wandered off. It was odd and we think they might need Help. Anyone looking to assist the strange team is expected to show up in something skin-tight and be wearing a good pair of shoes.”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been a strange Nearly Midnight News.”

Author: Jethal