Nearly Midnight News – July 11


“So – our budget got cut, and we are down to a candle and no match. I think the NMN staff might be next on the chopping block…”


Karmac says, “*gives Folodu more supplies* “here you go Folodu!”


“A can of spam and anchovies… Lovely…tonight’s sponsor hates us. But the show must go on! *strikes the cans together attempting to light the candle*”


“Due to high winds in the studio, tonight’s Nearly Midnight News will be broadcast without notes – yes, this means you have to rely on my memory and our lack of funds to remember the news. Also, our underwriters will not support another edition in overalls. There is apparently too much risk involved.”


“In tonight’s news, we have received a recent study on the dental hygiene of orcs. In a surprise to everyone, orcs apparently brush five times a day, utilizing the greatest in tooth care products. However, they tend to drink acids immediately afterwards, negating all benefits. In a quote from the Former Emperor Fyst, “The boys wanted dental – but Rallos said no. Had to find a compromise somewhere, or you end up with a fight…”. Zek was unable to return any contact, leaving this at entirely hearsay.”


“In the often newsless Mok Rent on the far side of Gorowyn, land speculators laid claim to vast swathes of land. Ettins contest this, and have argued public domain of it as a nature preserve. Court cases are expected to be brief, as no one argues with an ettin.”

“In Gorowyn proper, city officials closed the central pool diving board after a comment of “someone might get hurt”. City revenue at the popular spot is expected to plummet. In a brief comment, a random Civ-Parser noted that the cause is foreigners, as no Sarnak would sink so low as to have “fun”, a word he snorted derisively.”


“In Freeport, a random citizen kvetched for a while, and then talked some poor sap into stealing a boat. The citizen is in jail tonight as an accomplice while the stolen vessel is still being sought tonight. Anyone caught sailing will be fined until the right theft is found. Asked how this might affect shipping, no one could be found – we were hoping the militia issuing tickets might have better luck getting a comment, but there you have it.”


“In sports tonight, the Qeynos Cross Country Catnap team took first place for most inventive location to pass out – under the Queen’s throne. The opposing Nerian team points out that this might be in violation of the rules of play. Authorities are double checking, but so far are in favor that it is still on the right continent. Asked how this ends up in sports, the NMN claims lack of budget and would kindly like to remind everyone that spam is involved.”


“In the Sea Formerly Known as Tears, a bad singing contest happened. Many ears bled, and children wailed. It was a spectacle to behold. Of course, this is probably because we were not in hearing range.”


“The Nearly Midnight News staff would like to issue the following statement: whoever stole our pen, that wasn’t nice. We will find you and make you cry. Probably using onions. That we stole. The remaining staff seem quite miffed to fall on such bad luck again, noting that pens seem to be cursed or something.”

Karmac says, “*gives Folodu a new pen*”

Folodu takes the pen suspiciously. “The NMN would also like to remind everyone that Arasai and gnome agents continue to make everyday objects into explosives. Please handle everything with caution, even if it seems like the boot you lost last month. That is a prime suspect item.”


“In weather, what can we say? There was a windstorm in the studio! Who cares what else was happening? We lost our notes! And our matches! *brandishes the candle* What more do you want from us? We’ve lost it!”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and a this is the low-budget Nearly Midnight News. Spare a match?”

Author: Jethal