Nearly Midnight News – July 13


“Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News! I was your host, but now I’m an intern! Good night! *walks off to the casino* *walks back* I didn’t have any money… So…I suppose news. Maybe it will cover our addiction.”


“In tonight’s news, we have a shocking expose!”


Shizouka says, “I was young, those pictures were stolen and photoshopped!”


“Those who you thought you knew, rediscovered!”


Serrestt says, “*Is shocked, despite having not heard the expose yet*”


“You had pictures? Let’s see! *peers* Those aren’t compromising…those are only innuendos. But here, see, we have the shocking news about Maltus everling! And Brandus Levine! And Britta Pieflinger! And more! Did you know, in his youth, Maltus was a sidewalk two-bit hooker? But wait! Before you go after him! Hear the shocking news of his brother betraying him and killing everyone! Actually, that’s not all that shocking. What’s really shocking is that, in the sunlight, he….sparkles!”


Shizouka says, “*falls to her knees* Noooooo!”


Taysa says, “Yes, I’d be embarrassed too.”


Serrestt says, “Mes woulds nots gos outsides eithers ins thats case.”


“And Lady Pieflinger! Does NOT use real whipped cream in her whipped cream pies!”


Taysa says, “-le gasp!-“


“Brandus Levine is a swindler and a John!”


Shizouka says, “… a toilet?”


“And, you will only hear this here, but old Varsoon? A dandy. Complete and total fop! Not a shred of dignity to be had! I mean really…he has a weaving shop is his studio. What do you expect? All those large, hulking golems…”


Shizouka says, “I always wondered about the coat with shoulder pads three feet out.”


“Next in our news… Let’s see…ah yes! In Qeynos! A large bubble festival took place! It was going well, until the wind shifted and everyone took a delightful ball of soap to the eye. Counselors will be standing by to anyone who feels scarred for life.”


“In other news, the Nerian Electroshock team has been reformed since yesterday’s disaster. Interrogations are expected to continue on schedule until all arasai are filled with pure glee.”


Shizouka says, “Or Maple Syrup.”


“Anyone with news regarding the persistent tiger in the room is expected to to scream like schoolgirls.”


“More in Qeynos tonight, a casino opened its doors. There is expected to be gambling and gamblers counseling, for those who can’t quite give it up. There is also Camel Toe, apparently a bar inside the casino. For those interested in not paying their bills, there might be a torture room on site. Isn’t Qeynos grand? Everyone else puts that right out in the open. There are reports of bowling, and Human Darts, and also a thrilling game of pin the tail on the donkey. For details and correct information, please direct your attention somewhere else.”


“In weather, the sun shone, and the wind blew, but nothing else happened. Not even night.”


“That is the Nearly Midnight News for tonight. I am your intern, Folodu amrunrosse.”

Author: Jethal