Nearly Midnight News – July 15


“I…am not a woman dressed like a bat. But I do have some news! In fact, it is Nearly Midnight News! I wish I had some winners to announce, but alas, the list I had got eaten in the feyiron chef cookoff. If anyone had anything papery in their food, please return it at your earliest convenience, and not in a flaming bag on my porch.”


Taysa says, “-puts away the tinkered lighter she bought and whistles innocently-“


“However, I do have other interesting news. Qeynos commissioned Cristanos Pinatas for the Festival of Unity. These were a crowd hit most of the day – inside were little arasai shaped candies. In honor of the New Combine Empire, Qeynosians and their allies enjoyed themselves all afternoon. Due to other allies being present, Pin the Tail on Lucan was not brought out this year. This was only a minor setback, as there was more interest in the food than the tails. It seems one out of five judges enjoys a good bit of grub, as one of the Feyiron chef contenders made grubb and crickets the main focus of their meal. Which just goes to conclude, most of Qeynos still doesn’t know what to do with Ratonga. The Freeport Militia requests extradition from their new allies. The overall winner of the cookoff was none other than… *reads* I have no idea who this is – is this even a real name? Or is that … that’s a mustard satin. There it is! Iquaii! The New Feyiron Chef this year! Congratulations to the…er… person-whom-I-presume-has-a-face-to-go-with-the-name.”


“There was also jousting today. The audience won that one, as many landed on their faces and took comedic blows about their body. Some are listed in critical condition, especially after eating the grubb cricket pie. I am sure they did very well, and we honor them and their efforts. And one day, we might even know their names – but until then, we will call them Bob, Robert, and Bobbie. Please send them congratulations cards, under those names, as soon as possible.”


“Further east, there was something going on in Windstalker – In a Nutshell may have lost Kelethin. If anyone has seen the tree city, they are to report it immediately to the nearest Arasai who is not gleefully shocking others.”

Tregarde says, “Huh? What happened to my tavern?”

“It was in Windtalker, yes?”

Tregarde says, “That’s Wednesday. *rushes off to check if the Nutshell is still i Kelethin anyway*”

“Ergo, lost. I put out a search notice for you. Oh! Well…maybe we got the day wrong? Or…the bar? Well – either way, the nice militia man said he would look into it right away, after he was done filing his taxes and reports and seeing to his little kitten.”

“Elsewhere, it has come to light that NMN staff might not be entirely honest or knowledgeable! We advise giving them extra alms to help fix this problem. Also, take pity on your newscasters. They work hard to make sure everything is mucked up nice and good.”

Greigh says, “*rips a drumstick off the turkey in his hat and offers it to Folodu*”

“And while we are at it, we declare this News Week. We are sure we can talk to someone about making this official… And might even have some clue of what is going on during this time! though we would not count on that. *takes the drumstick*”

“In other news, changes of citizenship are way down after it has been reported that officials like to draw on official documents, invalidating them. Immigration still continues, though documentation is spotty. Please see your local guard to have this problem corrected immediately. They are sure to handle it professionally and in a timely manner, though results may vary depending on what time of day the breeze blows.”


“In sports today, the Nerian Jousting league got kicked out of the Festival of Unity on the grounds of “jousting with metal poles is not kosher”. They are expecting to whine about this for some time, and plot revenge. Anyone with information about what this might be is to be considered an accomplice and dealt with in the swiftest, most efficient, kindest way possible. Anyone experiencing cognitive dissonance on what that is should also report to their local guard.”


“Breaking news tonight in Freeport! Every vase on a street has been shattered! No further details are known, though the local Ne’er-do-wells are suspected. Anyone caught doing anything in Freeport might be one of these, and the militia recommends treating them as traitors to Lucan.”


“In weather, Antonica sculpted a beautiful day – everywhere else was miserable as a result”


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News. Now why do I have a turkey leg…”

Author: Jethal