After Earth


100 minutes of Jaden Smith’s perpetual “huh?” face.. Surrounded by a sloppily put together SciFi movie about how we fucked up the Earth and had to leave because pollution. Oh, and an alien thing that was bred specifically to kill humans.. by an alien race that never met humans.. so that made alot of sense too.

So, the story goes like this..

  • It is 1,000 years in the future
  • We fucked up the Earth
  • We had to leave the Earth
  • We traveled to a world called “Nova Prime”
  • Nearby alien race create a hunter beast called the “Ursa” to kill us.
    • Ursa are blind
    • Ursa only use pheromone tracking to hunt us
    • Ursa use “Fear Traps” to make us emit fear pheromones.
    • Ursa smell our fear
  • Cypher Raige (which is a horrible name) trains himself and others to be completely emotionless to hide from the Ursa. No fear, no pheromones, Ursa can’t see you.
    • This is called “Ghosting”
    • They say that he just has no fear.. but he seems pretty much devoid of any emotion in this movie
  • Cypher Raige’s son, Kitai Raige (also a horrible name) is the scarediest little scaredy cat in the universe.
  • Kitai joins Cypher as he takes a team out for “Ghost training”
  • Space ship hits a meteor shower
  • They open a wormhole to get the hell out of there
  • Too late, the ship is doomed
  • Wormhole drops them at a “Forbidden Planet”, which is Earth. It’s no secret, he says so just after the crash.
  • Every thing on Earth has evolved to kill humans
    • Which is total bullshit
    • Baboons attack Kitai only because he’s a idiot and throws rocks at them
    • Mountain Lion things attack because.. they’re fucking mountain lions..
    • Giant Eagle-Condor hybrid thing actually saves him.
    • “Everything evolved to kill humans”… bullshit
  • Tail section of the space ship lands 100km away, which contains a beacon to call for help.
  • Cypher’s legs are broken, he’s useless.
  • Kitai must travel 100km to tail section, set off beacon.
  • Adventure, action, jumping off waterfall.. etc, etc..

This is a boring-ass movie. The acting is horrible. Every decision Kitai makes is the wrong one. There’s no way this kid would have survived a 1/2 mile, forget about 100km. There is nothing believable in this movie at all. If I never see Jaden Smith on the screen again, I’d die a happy man. And for the love of all that’s holy.. Tell M Night Shamalamadingdong to GO AWAY.

  • Nominated for the Worst Movie of 2013 (Razzies)
  • Biggest box office bomb of 2013 (HitFlix)
Author: Jethal