Jupiter Ascending


Jupiter Jones was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people’s houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine Wise, a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along – her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos. (Source: IMDB)

This was two hours of a story trying to make young women, with low expectations and crumby jobs believe that “you too could secretly be the queen of the earth”. And fall in love with dog-human hybrids.

Honestly, this movie takes itself too seriously, while at the same time being as silly as possible.

(Spoilers beyond the point)

Jupiter Jones, which seems like a name that a professional wrestler would be comfortable with, works as a domestic (maid) with the primary job of, apparently, scrubbing toilets.. there is a LOT of toilet scrubbing in the beginning and end of this movie. What she doesn’t know is.. she is a “resurgent”.. or a reincarnation, of a space land baroness, who actually bequeathed the earth to her future incarnation, just in case it happened. On another planet.. to a different species.

You see, the earth was “seeded” 100,000 years ago with genetically compatible beings who bred with the early humans to evolve into.. us. The reason for this is simple. Liquefied Humans make great regenerative goo. Whenever a seeded planet becomes so populous that the planetary eco system can no longer sustain them.. the beings who own said planet, perform a “harvesting” to refine people into regeneration-bath oil. (i’m not fucking kidding).

So, it makes perfect sense, that the earth would pop out a genetic match for this reincarnation.. ya know, right before a harvest.. because the one place you want your reincarnate self popping up is in a planet destined to be wiped out so the rest of your nobility can bathe in their goo-like remains. I get it.

Oh, that’s the serious part..

The sons and daughters of this baroness each want Jupiter dead.. The daughter wants things to remain status quo. One of the sons tries to get Jupiter (his mother’s incarnation) to marry him to form a legal contract that he would get her wealth and property (earth included) once she’s dead.. oh, did I said dead? Technically.. murdered on their wedding night. The other son is more direct in his approach.. Kidnapping Juptier’s earth family and threatening to kill them unless she simply signs over all her newly inherited space stuff.

The bureaucracy in this movie is mind staggering.. I mean it.. it’s like the Vogons of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.. Even for a Noble to claim their title.. it’s like a 15 minute segment of filling out paperwork, going to departments, filling out more paperwork, being sent to another department, and finally bribing a county clerk.. what the fuck did I just watch?

In the middle of all of this, is Caine Wise who is trying to protect Jupiter during all the attempted killing and stuff.. he is a human/wolf hybrid.. Cainine, Caine Wise.. Get it?? Haha haha hahaha.. yeah.. and his old military buddy Stinger who’s house is COVERED IN BEES!! Stinger.. Bees, Get it?! Oh my GOD this movie sucks. And they NEVER explain WHY his house is COVERED IN BEES!! The bees buzz around Jupiter, and the logic is that bees will instinctively follow nobility.. so, Jupiter is a noble.. but WHY is his HOUSE Covered.. IN BEES?! And I mean COVERED.. there are bees nests growing out of the walls, inside and out.

SO.. Cain and Stinger were in the military, Cain bit a noble, and Stinger took heat because he was his commanding officer. They used to have wings, and they got cut off as part of their court martial.. because, why not. Wings.. ok.. on space military who fight in space.. because Fuck You, that’s why.

Cain and Stinger also have flying boots with glowing soles.. they fly by roller skating in the air, in what can only be called the greatest use of roller skating magic since Xanadu. They even leave a light trail behind them.. like in Xanadu. I was honestly waiting for Olivia Newton John to appear.

SO.. dog boy and bee man swoop in and save the day with their buddies, Jupiter retains her title. The eldest space sibling is dead.. and Jupiter, the new ruler of the earth, decides to return to earth, where she.. goes back to scrubbing toilets, instead of.. oh I don’t know.. bringing her earth family into space and living like royalty. Because scrubbing toilets is better than that.

Now, how did I like this movie? Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a brain, and I could sit back and just enjoy the ride during something like this.. because despite some pretty awesome CGI Effects (which is 95% of all the scenery), and some admittedly, pretty good acting.. this story is completely stupid.

I will probably never watch this movie again. And that gives it a 1-1/2 rating.


Author: Jethal