Nearly Midnight News – July 23


“*comes into the channel, carrying a large acorn desk on her back* Never – ever be mean to a carpenter. They carry this around all day.”


Eolandae says, “Nobodies betters be mean to Folalala. I’ll beat ’em up”


*sets the desk down and sighs* Really? i have a list of names that need dealt with… Starting with Qho. Don’t worry…his time is coming… *chortles gleefully* *sits down behind the desk* Alright…well… Let’s see… *takes the pen on a string from around her neck* We have news…right… *she pulls up her sleeve and check her arm*”


“Ah! there it is! Nearly Midnight News! …who came up with that awful name…”

“Moving right along!

“In tonight’s news, we go out to the Island Formerly Known as Misty. It seems there has been a trade disturbance. Ever since the lamia took over the main overland shipping operations, the blighted creatures have been making more successful attacks on caravans to Rivervale. Asked why they used such obvious inept shippers, the local mayor shined, “But costs are so high! If we can get an edge, those blasted void things won’t be able to market anything but death anymore!” This all comes after someone showed the giant creatures how to whittle while waiting for something to smash. The now-skilled carpenters are unionized, and expect equal treatment as other void-labor unions.”


“Elsewhere, the Drovargs of Karnor’s Castle have decided to release the Kunark Cleaning Committee, citing that the kidnapping was a plot device to draw more adventurers there. They will be seeking a new way to engage the local mercenaries, and are deeply apologetic about the death of one member of the committee, but their doctor did detect malaria in the late stages. They have issued a medical shunning of the rest of Norrath, citing the barbaric ways we treat common ailments.”


“Anyone seeking a massage tonight need look no further than ykesha. After a disaster last week, the Ratonga have once again made something work that tends to shatter spines when made by gnomes The gnomes thank their furry helpers, and insist that one of these days there will be a raise, and enough rations for a real feast.”

Tsarik says, “Having been dwarven made, and ratonga operated, does any part of this machine insert into a certain anatomical orifice?”

Eolandae says, “it goes in yer ear. “


“Britstlebane and Zek team up to create the funniest war ever. The current conflict is expected to host balloons, nerve gases, card tricks, and beheadings. Anyone interested in showing off their faith is advised to come lightly armed.”


“Meanwhile, the Thulian-Tunarian alliance continues its campaign in the Underfoot. Due to increased pressure, the Thulians might get their way of solving the problem by invoking Bertoxxulos’ alliance and poisoning the global water table. The dwarves, asked to sit this one out, are Not Thrilled.”


“A new product is released by the Freeport Academy today. A facial cream that makes you stop aging. Their planned tagline is “Never look a day older. Side effects include smell of death, internal decay, and shuffling. Undeath – never age again!” The Academy also seeks testers for their new product. Anyone seen loitering is expected to serve their Overlord without compensation.”


“The Norrathian Banking System seeks your copper tonight. In a miscalculation, all deposits made for the last year have been to the Orphans and Widows Fund of Freeport. Anyone wishing to dispute this discrepancy is invited to visit their local militiaman, who will thank you for your contribution.”

Arquenniel says, “Got to take care of the orphans and widows…. /was a Freeport orphan”

“A new breakthrough in alchemical research suggests that the color orange smells like grapefruit. While repeatable, anyone allergic to citrus is advised to find another way to spend their time.”


“Across Norrath, the clearing of Nettleville is underway after it was nearly flattened during the Festival of Unity. We forget why this happened, but we were able to write it down! So there is always that. The people of Nettleville have been asked to relocate into the Peat bog temporarily – meanwhile an unrelated project seems to be aimed at walling in the swamplands attached to the city. We are certain there is no coincidence, as both projects have nothing in common.”


“In weather tonight, there was flooding in major parts of arid, dry riverbeds after a rainstorm. Three towns in the Steppes were washed away. Experts still aren’t sure why they built in the ravine where water once flowed regularly, but now the problem seems to have taken care of itself.”

Eolandae says, “because engineers always know best even when they don’t


“I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News.”

Tsarik says, “What about sports !? What about the Ogre gnome kickoff championship !!??”

“We all know how that one went. Ogres just don’t go very far when kicked by gnomes. Hence the explosives.”

Author: Jethal